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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25096813">A Stuttering Confession</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spearmintcondition/pseuds/Spearmintcondition'>Spearmintcondition</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Childhood Friends, Cullistair, Friends to Lovers, Implied/Referenced Blow Jobs, M/M, Mutual Pining, Speech Disorders, Stuttering, Underage - not really but you could interpret it that way</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 05:54:41</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,445</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25096813</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spearmintcondition/pseuds/Spearmintcondition</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Cullen's stutter has not been bothering him too much since his youth. What if someone from those days suddenly appears at Skyhold? THE someone. Who somehow always made the stammering that much worse.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Alistair &amp; Cullen Rutherford, Alistair/Cullen Rutherford</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>31</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>A Stuttering Confession</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>So this apparently is what happens when I work on something else and think to myself: Hmm... I haven't thought about other pairings for a while. And poof! A slightly silly idea that does not let me go again pops up. Tadaa. I wrote this in a (for me) very short time. So mind any errors (still not a native English speaker here), they're all mine and I own them. And you may point them out, if you wish. </p>
<p>Also, I am aware, that's not exactly how it works with a stutter. But hey, maybe there's one person out there for whom it worked like this. Beyond that, I hope it's cute enough to maybe overlook any misgivings?</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"A-A-Alistair?!"</p>
<p>Cullen cannot believe his eyes, when the figure clad in blue and silver enters the war table room. But It is him. It must be. Those are the same caramel eyes. The same strawberry blond hair and aquiline nose. The same grin that spreads over his features. There are crinkles around his eyes and scars on his cheeks, he looks older, but otherwise exactly like the young warrior Cullen remembers from his training days. The one he was so hopelessly infatuated with.</p>
<p>"Cullen!" He looks delighted. It's like someone has switched on the sun and Cullen cannot handle it.</p>
<p>"W-w-w-what a-are y-y-you d-d-doing h-here?" It's a dumb question. But Cullen's cringe does not hail from the query. It's the stutter. He hasn't stuttered like this in years. Not since he was young. Not since his training days. He is wholly unprepared for the bewildered glances of his fellow advisers.  </p>
<p>"You two, know each other?" Leliana says in lieu of a greeting, wearing the tiniest scowl. She sounds surprised. And Leliana does not like to be surprised even by the littlest things.</p>
<p>Alistair goes over to her and envelops her in a bear-hug, lifting her from her feet and swings her around. She squeals and giggles. Which in itself is so surprising that the rest of them, The Inquisitor, Cassandra, Josephine and Cullen all stare at the pair in open mouthed disbelieve. Though the ambassador hides it politely behind her hand.</p>
<p>"Hello Lels" Alistair says still embracing her "It's good to see you, too" He grins and tugs a lock of hair behind her ear, which had fallen out of place "I'm glad to be here. I'm fine by the way. Thank you for asking" He beams. Mischief sparkling in his eyes. "And yes," he relents "we know each other. We trained together. In the Order" He still smiles, but the glint in his eyes has dimmed.</p>
<p>When he lets go of the Spymaster and faces the rest of the group he looks more subdued and wistful, exhaustion edged in every line of his face.</p>
<p>Δ Δ Δ</p>
<p>Cullen flees as soon as the war table meeting is over. It was a personal catastrophe. He could not help the stuttering the whole way through. It simply would not go away. Even though he said as little as possible and concentrated as hard as he could. He was reduced to grunting his agreement or displeasure. Frustrated and furious with himself, he left without a word when The Inquisitor concluded the meeting early with a glance at their bright red faced Commander.</p>
<p>He is in his office, at his desk, sitting for a change, elbows on the old wood, face buried in his hands. He would very much like to bury himself in a deep hole and not come back out again until the next age, he's so deeply embarrassed and frustrated with himself.</p>
<p>The stutter had always been worst, with Alistair around. The only thing that had prevented anyone from noticing that fact, had been the fact that Cullen had never really said much at all. Because it would inevitably come out in a stammer. It had gotten better, a lot better eventually. Being at a new place, away from home, from old habits and teasing siblings had helped, enormously. But, by then he had been so used to say very little that the habit just stuck. 

It had helped to keep him focused on training, too. He spend his time in the library or on the practice field, rather than banter or exchange barbs with the other recruits. Alistair had helped as well, ironically. He had been the first to point out, that Cullen rarely stuttered while reciting the chant. It had predictably gotten worse after that. For a while, but it had helped. A lot. Alistair and him had become friends. It had taken Cullen a long time to realise his deeper feelings for the other boy, and that the stutter came from insecurity more than anything else. Alistair had never judged him, but Cullen had always been frustrated with himself. 

Alistair leaving... somehow... had helped the stutter as well. Although in a wholly different manner. His absence had caused Cullen to draw in on himself again, study more and practice even harder. Praise from teachers an peers alike, had boosted his confidence eventually. So much, that the stutter had practically vanished.</p>
<p>A knock. He sighs, at least it's not the Inquisitor -- they never knock --, with that concerned face of theirs, coming to inquire <em>how he's doing</em>. He would probably handle that poorly right now, he reflects. </p>
<p>The door opens a fraction and the voice Cullen wants to hear both least and most comes through the crack.</p>
<p>"Hello? Um... Anybody home?"</p>
<p>When Cullen does not answer, Alistair pokes his head inside.</p>
<p>"Oh, there you are" He wears a tentative smile "Uh… Can I come in?"</p>
<p>Cullen just looks at him, decides to say nothing unless he embarrasses himself even further, and busies himself with his papers.</p>
<p>Alistair meanwhile seems to interpret that as a permission to enter or at least as a non dismissal, which amounts to the same thing, really. He slinks into the room and closes the door carefully behind him.</p>
<p>"Nice office you have here..." It's a creditable try at small talk.</p>
<p>Cullen continues to say nothing -- That at least he can do without stuttering -- and does not look up from his parchment.</p>
<p>"Leliana told me where to find you." Alistair's explains, bouncing nervously back and forth on his feet. Cullen can see it in the periphery of his vision. "She also told me, that you do not usually stutter that much any more, or at all, really..." He trails of and waits for Cullen to say something. When nothing comes forth, he sighs. "I just wanted to… uh… apologize? I guess..." He tries "I'm sorry. If it's me who brought that on? I'm truly sorry!" There is anguish in his voice now.</p>
<p>Cullen sighs and sets down his quill wearily. Always fast to blame himself, Alistair was. Assumed everything was his fault, Cullen remembers. He has never liked that particular habit of his, and still doesn't. Alistair has always been exceptional, not only in Cullen's personal opinion. How he would have liked to show him how wonderful he was back then. And now he is here, before Cullen, apologizing for something that cannot possibly be his fault, not really. It's as frustrating as the stutter and Cullen drags a hand over his face. He does not know what to say. He's also still furious at his vocal chords for betraying him like that.</p>
<p>Alistair's shoulders slump and he looks dejected. He mutters something inaudible to himself, turns and leaves, looking defeated.</p>
<p>The door has not yet closed completely behind him, when it flies back open again, Alistair storming back inside, brandishing a finger at Cullen. Who is so taken aback, the only thing he can do is stare.</p>
<p>"No! You know what…? Just, no! Not like this! This is not my fault! No, it's not! And…  Maker damn it! I was so happy to see you! A friendly face in this Maker forsaken times. When the world, and everything, and <em>everyone</em> has gone crazy" He gestures wildly. Then the finger is back on Cullen and Alistair glares. "You can't blame me for this, too. You can't!" His voice has gone high and rather desperate. "It's not even… It's not even bad. <em>I</em> never minded your stutter. I even <em>liked</em> it. It's just a <em>you</em> thing. And I liked you!" He proclaims, still glaring. </p>
<p>Cullen is still staring, eyes going wider.</p>
<p>Alistair grips his own head and screws his eyes shut. "The Wardens, my friends… This damned song. It's not fair..." He is starting to shake. "It's not fair. I never wanted this. …" He murmurs on, repeating the last sentence until the words are indistinguishable from each other. Until it's just a constant low ramble.</p>
<p>Cullen knows one way to stop a trademark Theirin rant slash brakedown. -- He rather suspects there might be at least one other. But he's not prepared to try that one. And anyway, it would probably make him blush and aggravate the stutter. But he doesn't need words for either. -- So he rounds the table and envelops his …friend -- yes, he'd like that, again -- in his arms tightly.</p>
<p>Alistair buries his nose in the fur on Cullen's shoulders and hangs on to him like a vice. His breath comes in gasps, Cullen can feel it even through two layers of armour. Any sound however is either muffled by Cullen's mantle or Alistair's anguish is a silent thing.</p>
<p>Cullen will hold him though, as long as he permits. And he sets his jaw, preparing to glare at anyone coming in or passing through, who might judge them. 

</p>
<p>It takes a while, but eventually Alistair's shaking subsides. And a little longer still, until he emerges.</p>
<p>"B-b-better?" <em>Flames</em>. He'd forgotten about the stutter already. He winces, which makes Alistair flinch and try to pull away. But Cullen stays his ground and underlines the sincerity of his question with a concerned look.</p>
<p>Alistair nods then, and takes a breath to steady himself. And after another he says "Yes. ... And No."</p>
<p>That's fair, Cullen supposes. And he tries to say as much, but the stutter does not even let him advance over the first letter this time. After a few seconds of 'f-f-f-f-f' he gives up, defeated. Exasperated with his body, his mind, whatever is to blame for the stutter, he grabs the bridge of his nose between thumb and forefinger in an attempt to recentre himself.</p>
<p>"You know" Alistair contemplates, innocently "I remember one time you did not stutter, like, at all" he states, eyebrows wiggling, and eyes -- still a little damp but -- sparkling, not with his usual humour, but something Cullen knows he has seen before...</p>
<p>Abruptly he has a flashback vision of himself and Alistair behind the little chantry of the monastery they were stationed in as recruits. A little stretch of grass nobody ever visited. A memory of a warm summers day, overgrown weeds, the cold stone wall against his back and Alistair on his knees, lips wrapped around Cullen's most private part. Cullen holding on to Alistair's shoulders, hair and whatever stone or weed jutted out from the wall behind him for dear life. And the constant litany of words pouring from his own mouth. He remembers thinking he'd die, if he'd stopped talking. But he died anyway, pouring himself down Alistair's throat.</p>
<p>In the present, he blushes. He can fell the immediate rush of blood to his face that almost makes his knees buckle. He buries his face in both of his hands and groans. He hadn't forgotten exactly, but he'd been very good at not thinking about it. The tip of his ears burn so hard, he's afraid they'll catch on fire. <em>Sweet Maker, blessed Andraste… </em></p>
<p>Alistair takes one of Cullen's hands away from his face. But that's ok, he still has the other.</p>
<p>The contemplated <em>I wonder,…</em>from Alistair, Cullen just ignores, drowning in his utter mortification. He tries to will the blush away, with tightly shut eyes. And he concentrates so hard on it, that he does not notice Alistair removing his glove and lifting his hand up. Not before Alistair's hot mouth closes around one of his fingers.</p>
<p>Cullen jerks and tries to pull his hand away, eyes wide and slightly panicking.</p>
<p>"Hn-nh" Alistair says around the digit in his mouth, shaking he head, his hands tightening their grip around Cullen's wrist to keep it in place. "Epthperimend" He grins "Shay some'in'!" 

Cullen cannot believe this.</p>
<p>"A-A-Alistair w-w-what a-…" He begins to suckle "a-are you doing? M-Maker's Breath! Are you mad? There might be people coming in here any second. You can't just…" A swirl of his tongue "…ugh!" Cullen claps his free hand over his mouth. Eyes going wide.</p>
<p>Alistair lets the digit slurp free, "Works with other… um… appendages as well, it seems." a triumphant grin on his face. </p>
<p>Cullen is speechless.</p>
<p>"You know…" Alistair's smile dims a little, searching Cullen's face, and there's a hint of trepidation in his voice. "The day I dragged you behind the chantry… That day, I… I did not actually ask you there to do <em>that.</em>" He grimaces first and then bites his bottom lip. Cullen frowns, wondering where this is going and if it's anywhere bad. But then… "I wanted to kiss you" oh… <em>Oh!  </em> "Yeah,…" Alistair chuckles softly at Cullen's widening eyes "I overshot it a bit. Of course, I did. Or, um, '<em>under</em>'shot" He darts his glance down at pants level for a second "if you catch my drift?", and wiggles his eyebrows again, but misses 'unconcerned' by a few inches. "I never was a good shot." He jokes and then adds more quietly "Couldn't hit the target even from a foot away, it seems." He starts to fidget with his hands and takes a breath before the next sentence "But when I got you there, I… I lost my nerve. And somehow,… dropping to my knees was a lot easier than to…" if Alistair worries his lip more he'll start bleeding "... to kiss you or… or to tell you how much I liked you" He finishes almost in a whisper, eyes cast at the floor.</p>
<p>Cullen's hands have fallen to his sides somewhere in the middle of Alistair's rambling confession. And he marvels at the ridiculous, beautiful man in front of him. A curious warmth spreads in his chest, easing something he hadn't even realised was taut, and he cannot help smiling: </p>
<p>"I would have liked that" he says softly.</p>
<p>Alistair's eyes go wide, he blinks, and Cullen sees the boy from all those years ago in those eyes. Then slowly, it's mesmerizing to watch, a smile blooms on Alistair's face. A real one. The kind which envelops Cullen with warmth and affection. Maker, how did he live without that smile all these years? </p>
<p><em>Yes</em> he thinks it again <em>I would have liked that very much. </em> And belatedly Cullen realises that there was not a single stutter in that sentence. He grins and he cannot stop ginning, so he laughs, more from wonder than surprise.</p>
<p>"This is r-r-ridiculous." Well..., the stutter will fade again. Eventually. He thinks.</p>
<p>Alistair still smiles. It's less broad now, more private, but no less radiant. He's stepped closer as well and his hand is on Cullen's side. He looks as cautiously hopeful as Cullen feels. And Cullen cannot help himself, he draws him in and finally <em>finally</em> kisses his friend.</p>
<p>Better late than never.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>yey! I did a thing!<br/>Hope you liked it! :D</p></blockquote></div></div>
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